Feeling Weary

What do you do when you feel weary;  life is getting you down; your feeling overwhelmed?

That is where I'm at right now...

Life is not at all what I expected it to be.  When I got married, I knew that this man I was now calling my husband, was a gift from God, meant for me.  The first few years of our marriage were so wonderful.  We enjoyed getting to know each other and forming a life together.

The first "crisis" that came was a job change as Jeremy quit his job without really knowing what was next.  But in that, I knew that God was good and he would provide.  I felt that I had been prepared for that moment, prepared to trust that God was guiding Jeremy to the next thing. 

About that same time I begin to feel concerned that I wasn't being able to get pregnant.  I knew God's timing was perfect and so I waited.  And, then the next "shoe" dropped.  I was hitting menopause at age 28.  I wanted so badly to be a mom, but it didn't seem like it was in the cards.  But this time it seemed like Jeremy was prepared for that moment.  He was so accepting, comforting, and supportive.  We looked into our options and came to the decision to adopt, and not only adopt, but to use the foster care system to do it.  We went through the lengthy process and then one day, Feb 25, 2005, Joshua came into our home.  In the next few months we fell in love with this blonde hair, blue-eyed boy who seemed to just fit. Then in June the next "trial" came.  We had to fight to keep him.  After another 13 months of court dates the deal was finalized.  The judge made Joshua officially, forever ours.  What a relief that day was! - July 20, 2006.

Just under 2 years later we decided to do it again.   We brought into our home a newborn, Harley.  He stayed with us for 2 months before the judge decided to send him to a "friend of the family".  That day was an emotional one as I dealt with the loss.  Then the workers told us about a 6 month old little girl, and a few days later, in May of 2008, Hope came. The next 15 months brought another "struggle" as we prayed to be able to keep her.  But in August of 2009, she too become a Thompson.

Through all of this, despite the ups and downs, the emotions, and the stress, I felt God's guidance.  I knew, even though it was not what I had imagined, it was good.  These children were a blessing.  They were mine and Jeremy's to love and guide into the life that God wanted for them.  I have been constantly reminded over the years that they are HIS and not mine.

The next several years were good.  We watched the kids grow, dealt with the normal struggles of parenting, Jeremy changed jobs again.

But, in 2013, the "pain" came again when my dad and then my grandma passed away.  Joshua lost his Mikey.  My mom lost the love of her life. And, what I didn't realize at the time was that I lost more than just a dad.  Over the next several years, this pain grew as I realized dad was what Joshua needed.  

This "crisis" grew following the Covid pandemic of 2020.  Following his sophomore year, Joshua's life began to unravel a bit, but we didn't know what was happening until the Fall of his senior year.  His attitude and health just continued to get worse.  And Hope began to go down a path that we would not have chosen for her.   The ball dropped one night in 2021 when the kids revealed a number of things that they had been doing (sneaking out and hooking up with people, vapes/drugs, etc.).  It truly felt like my life was falling apart.  Jeremy and I dropped to our knees that night crying out for God's help. 

God has not removed the struggle yet.  Since then, I watched as my son sort of throw away all of the years of education as he withdrew from the school he had been at since PK in March of his senior year.  He did finish his courses and get his degree that summer thankfully.  He has spent most of his time since in his room on various video games, his occulus, or discord.  He has gotten a couple of jobs, but they only last a few weeks.  We are desperately searching for a way to help him become independent.  He needs to know that he can do life on his own and I think it's going to take cutting the strings so to speak to force him to take responsibility for his own actions.  Joshua has such amazing gifts and could do tremendous things if he would decide it was worth the effort.  Praying that God would open his heart and eyes to truth and bring people alongside him that would encourage him.

Hope has been on a bit of a rollercoaster.  She's dealt with some eating disorder issues and depression and even though she is an extremely social person and makes friends everywhere she goes, she struggles to form deep relationships which makes her often lonely.  School is a struggle as well.

....

Update.  I quit writing in the middle of this post and just now am revisiting it probably a year later.  I am still weary, not sleeping well, and life is still hard, but I feel like I never really got to the point of what I was trying to say.  Even when we are weary and life seems to be crumbling, God is here.  He is always present.  I know this is true, but I struggle to keep my eyes on Him.  

The stress of the last several years is taking its toll on my spiritual life, my health, my relationship with my kids, and my marriage.  I find myself very irritable way more often than I would like.  It's in part because I lose perspective.  When life becomes weary and burdensome I believe it's important to find time to focus on the things that are good, to focus on truth, and to be thankful so here goes...

1.  I have a husband who loves me, listens to me, and puts up with all of my foul moods. God thank you for him.  Give him strength and your peace. Guide him through each day.

2.  I have 2 kids that at one point I thought I'd never have.  Lord they are a gift and let me never lose sight of that. 

-- Thank you for the progress I see Hope making, for her baptism, her desire to read your word, her acknowledgment even this week of areas she needs growth in.  Please keep her in your arms and mold her into the beautiful woman you made her to be.

--Thank you for Joshua.  His name translates from Hebrew as God is salvation or deliverer.  You sent him to me as a gift at a time when I needed it, but I pray that he would come to know his namesake, Jesus, as his true Lord and savior.  He accepted you when he was young and knows truth, but he is struggling to believe.  Reveal yourself to him that he would not doubt, that his anger would be replace by your joy.

3.  I have been well provided for.  God you have been good to provide for Jeremy and I over the years. Let me not forget where the gifts come from and to be generous with what you have given us.

4.  I have a wonderful mother who listens to me and cares for me.  Lord bless her and help her to know she is never alone and that she is valued more that she can fathom.

5. For each day that I have breath.  Lord, I have take for granted the gift that this life is.  Help to focus my eyes on you each day and look to where you would have me be instead of getting bogged down in the mundaneness of life.

6. Jesus Christ - Father I am most thankful for the gift of your son. For his life, death, and resurrection that paid the price for me that I might be called your child. As I'm reading in 1 John, in Bible study this semester - help me to walk not in the darkness, but in the light